Dan and his younger brother were born into a family that moved around a lot. His father was in the army and a veteran of the first Gulf War. When Dan was 10 his father was medically retired from the army, and they moved to Cromer. ‘That’s when the weird shit starts’ he says. His father’s drinking became a problem, and he was more and more prone to violence. Dan would lay awake, hearing him returning from the pub and shouting at his mum, or worse. Sometimes he would get Dan and his brother out of bed and make them fight each other. Whoever lost was called a ‘girl’ and made to wear a dress. Invariably that was his little brother. Now, as adults, Dan and his brother never speak. The damage was done. Dan’s mum tried to intervene, but it just made it worse for her. Dan and his brother loved their mum and were scared of losing her – wishing she could get the three of them away from him. She died suddenly of an aneurysm when he was 12. He remembers ‘She always said she’d leave – and then, one day, she did.’

Dan struggled at school. He kicked back against his teachers and became a bully to the smaller kids. He struggled to find any calm, unless he was on his grandad’s allotment, where he often escaped to when things got too much. His grandad wouldn’t say much, but he always had time for Dan, and didn’t ask difficult questions. His Nan didn’t judge him either. He remembers watching Doctor Who with her on the sofa on Saturday evenings, he felt safe there. But as Dan grew, his restlessness and anger grew with him. He fell in with an older crowd of lads who egged him on. One day they convinced him to break into his grandad’s shed, a regret that continues to haunt him. They set a fire. It got out of control and the shed burnt down, taking three nearby garages with it. The others ran and Dan took the rap, getting a conviction for arson at 16 years old and doing 12 months in a young offenders’ institution for his trouble. Dan served the whole sentence because of his aggressive behaviour. ‘It sounds mad,’ he says, ‘but the one thing that has never let me down, is my fists’.

While he was inside, he hears that a girl he slept with at a party was now pregnant. Her parents intervened, insisting she had nothing to do with him. That’s fine with him, he didn’t want that kind of trouble. So, his first child, Beth, grows up nearby. She knows who he is, but they don’t speak. His second child Kyle comes along when Dan was 19. He meets Sonia at a rave. Their relationship breaks down quickly. Dan was always causing trouble and chasing other girls. He and Sonia did nothing but argue and she said she could do better bringing Kyle up on her own. Dan sees Kyle around town now, hanging out late at night and getting into trouble. “Chip off the old block aint he?” he shrugs. Dan did get a tattoo though, on his upper arm. ‘Kyle’ it says, with a sword running through it.

During his early 20’s Dan was in and out of prison. ABH, minor drug offences, affray. Then he tried to sort himself out and got himself a driving job. He met Laura, she had her own flat and he quickly moved in. Increasingly they were using different drugs. It became a bit more than a weekend party lifestyle. Dan started dealing to support their growing habit. Laura got pregnant and Kylie was born. ‘Yeah, I know – Kyle, Kylie, it weren’t my idea’ he says. Then soon after, Emily came along. He doesn’t remember much of that time; it was hard to keep it together. ‘It’s all a bit of a blur’ he says. With two young children under three and things falling apart, it was only a matter of time before Dan and Laura found themselves under scrutiny.

It was first noticed at Kylie’s nursery. Occasionally he would pick her up, if Laura was in a state. One day a member of staff pulled Dan aside for a word. They had noticed that Kylie was not interacting well with other children, seemed anxious. She’s in dirty clothes and looks tired all the time. Dan’s anger rose, but deep down he knew they were right. It didn’t go well. Children’s Services got involved, there was a child protection conference, and things didn’t improve. Dan hated it, he couldn’t handle the meetings, he either lost it or they ignored him. Laura kicked off at the social worker every time. Then Kylie and Emily were taken into foster care. Laura and Dan split up and Laura went back to her parents in Derbyshire. The social workers would meet with her though and take her for a cup of tea when she came down to see the girls. That’s one thing that rankled with him. ‘They helped her, they didn’t help me! But she’s mum, aint she!”

He did see Kylie and Emily, he had supervised visits in a contact centre, but it was hard, and he hated going there. He felt watched and judged. He missed some visits, or was late, and when he did go, the girls either got upset or didn’t want to play the things he suggested. He used alcohol to keep it all squashed down and all the mess of his feelings only ever seemed to come out as anger. Eventually, the court decided the girls would be adopted. There was nothing Dan could do, and he was scheduled for a goodbye visit. It’s not a memory he likes to share – “I just went straight to the pub after, didn’t I. Cos you can’t hit a moving target!” That night Dan got into another fight.

As he got older, he began to find less trouble; he tried to move on. He held down a few unskilled jobs here and there: driving, labouring. Some casual relationships came and went, including Xanthe, a ‘posh girl’ who enjoyed the rebellion of dating a ‘bit of rough’. But he couldn’t handle that. Dan realised that he just wanted to settle, to come back to earth if he could. At 35, he moved back to Cromer, got another driving job, found himself a small flat and tried again, to get back on track. Then he met Jenny in the pub one night. She was younger than him but there was an instant attraction. They hit it off and Dan felt like he might be in love for the first time. He kept his past hidden from her as much as he could – ‘There’s no need to tell her, it won’t help’. But things changed when she fell pregnant. Inside Dan was so scared of the authorities finding out about them, and in his bid to keep things to himself, the rows got worse and worse. Jenny didn’t understand why Dan wouldn’t get involved in any of the antenatal appointments. One night, after a huge argument, a neighbour called the police. Dan came home the next day to find two social workers in the flat. He got angry and told them to go “The only child protection here is me – now get out”!” From there it all fell apart. The relationship broke down and Jenny moved back in with her parents. A few months later, Charlie was born.

By now Dan knew the drill. The social workers were sceptical about letting him have contact with Charlie, but Dan did as he was asked; the assessments and the supervised contacts and eventually he was allowed time with Charlie on his own. Dan took him to the beach, bought him an ice cream. Sometimes Jenny came too, and they walked together. It was better; no more arguing and he has a real bond with Charlie now. Dan got himself another tattoo: ‘Charlie’, this time written across a heart.

Dan got himself his own allotment and finds a knack for growing. He’d watched his grandad long enough. At 44 he started to date again. That’s how he met Helen, online, swiping right. She’s 39 and lived a few miles away. They chatted a lot by text, then by phone. There was three months of that before they met up, in which time he told her most things. She’d had her troubles too, two kids taken into care, a drug problem. In the past now, but still painful to recall, for both of them. Eventually they met for a date at Fritton Lake. They took it slowly, but it was obvious they were serious, and they spent more and more time together. They didn’t plan it, but within a year Helen fell pregnant. Secretly it’s what they both wanted. This time though, they both knew they had to be honest. If they were going to get to keep the baby, they had to be open about everything, deal with all the questions and the assessments, and hope for the best. Inside Dan felt his past catching up with him. He didn’t know if he could do this, He didn’t know if he would even be allowed to try.